Out of the Frying Pan into the Forest Fire

I always seem to be where the excitement is. Danger follows me around so much, I fear it is making me scarily sexy. Har har, yeah right. But I was, in fact, fleeing from Hyderabad, which had become quite a frying pan with explosions in the city, bomb threats at every other public place, and tons of RDX and terrorists being smuggled in. Every bearded man was being looked on with such suspicion, I had to shave every day.

My dad calls me up, even as I'm waiting for the boarding call at the airport.

"There are forest fires in California."
"Oh."
"Is that in the region where your cousins are?"
"California is a big state. Cousins live near the Big City, so I don't think so."
"What about where you are going?" (Good thing we got my cousins out of the way)
"S'far as I've seen, Irvine [that's in Orange County] is pretty dry. No vegetation except for tall palms lining the road. Would be quite a feat if someone could actually start a forest fire there!"

No kidding. Turns out that feats were happening in Orange County.

12 dead. 1800 "homes" (wrong choice of word?) destroyed. Thousands sitting in stadia as firefighters try their best to contain the flames.

Unfortunately, it is kinda difficult to bear harsh realities on the typical Californian mediaman. (The closest a "typical" Californian mediaman comes to Reality is on a Reality Show, go figure). 15 minutes to landing, and our pilot, not a mediaman but probably aspiring, and obviously delighted at bringing us in to the Land of Entertainment, dons the mantle of tour guide.

"Ladies and gentlemen, if you look out the windows on your left, you will be able to catch a glimpse of the forest fires burning all along the ridge."

A hundred eager faces strain to get a glimpse, and mutter curses at those blessed with window seats on the left. (I was one of those blessed 1/6th of the passengers, and hence one of those cursed at.) Heck, the fires were HUGE. Gasps go up.

"One of the attractions of California, attracting people from all over the world at this time of the year. Also among our many attractions are landslides, earthquakes, hurricanes, not to mention security threats from Islamic fundamentalists, and of course the glamorous and (gl/d)itzy Hollywood.

"There is so much smoke in the air, visibility is really bad. We might have serious trouble landing.

"We've just hit some turbulence. Please fasten your seatbelts, and DO NOT visit the washrooms even if you feel like going really badly...

"Good lord. What was that?! No, nothing.

"Do not panic.

"Welcome to Orange County. Thank you for flying with Continental Airlines. We hope you had a pleasant flight. Today we will not be handing out the customary feedback forms."

Driving to office the next morning, it is clear that there is smoke in the air, and the smell of a gigantic barbecue. Apparently you can see a fire from the office where I would be working.

I turn on the news at night. All the channels have decided to be characteristically creative, and every one of them has named the story "California Burning". Title Patent Issues? I am startled to see a familiar landscape: "This is Jane Doe, reporting from Irvine, California..."

That wasn't the only deja vu I was to experience. Strangely, and very sadly, I was surprised to hear of stuff I though happens only in India:

• Remember I used the word "feat"? Well, we can expect them now and then from nature, but get this - some of these "feats" were in fact manmade. Arsonist on the loose. Setting fire at random. ("My fire's bigger than yours. Maniacal laughter".) Sheesh. Unbelievable. Human behavior is difficult to fathom sometimes.
• Rescue didn't arrive on time as expected. They didn't even arrive within the period normally designated as "after time". They arrived abominably late. The reason being (get this) - all the equipment (copters, pipes, extinguisher) is ready, but where in the blazes (pun intended) are the guys to man them? Those guys turn up a day later, when the damage is too far gone. Unbelievable, again.

Yeah. What DO you make of this?

After much head-shaking and -scratching, the News Channels finally decided what to make of it. I kid you not, these quotes are real.

"... And with all the property that has been damaged and lives lost, it appears that the biggest losses are the memories. Memories that cannot be retrieved. Here is Jane Doe, comforting her sister..."

(camera cut to a sobbing sister of Ms. Doe) "It's gone, all gone. All my photo albums. My wedding pictures..." (Which husband?) "The dolls I used to play with when I was little. Family heirlooms. All gone".

"...Celebrities have been forced to evacuate their million dollar houses on Malibu Beach. Pictures of them will follow on our Celeb Spotting segment.... But let's hope that none of these stars have lost anything of value....

"Land prices in Malibu Beach and the Los Angeles area are expected to fall to affordable rates..."

"Your traditional gas masks are not fully efficient in keeping out all toxic substances. Without a better mask, you are in danger of dying, and there is evidence for this. We have designed a new gas mask that will solve these issues and render you safe. Unfortunately, these are extremely rare and very expensive, so rush in your pre-orders NOW and you will receive your discounted masks in 2-3 weeks."

There are times when I think I've figured out what it means to "live the American Dream". No intention to generalize, just making a point.